


I Heard It Through The Pearvine

by MsYukari



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Comedy, F/F, One Shot, Parody, Pearody, Why pears though?, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 17:10:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12280857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsYukari/pseuds/MsYukari
Summary: Joan and her father have to escape Russia to get to Australia and Joan is now in a happy relationship with Vera.This prompt was requested by Freak_Vader83 on twitter and a lot of her ideas that I put into this in the beginning were hers. So, I'm just expanding on that in writing.Yes, this story involves pears and other jokes and parody. Pamela Rabe posed with a pear in a store with a fan, and this is why this is about that. #SorryNotSorry





	I Heard It Through The Pearvine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Freak_Vader83](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Freak_Vader83).



> While I jokingly said in the summary #SorryNotSorry, I apologize in advance for how silly and weird this crack!fic might get or possibly not as funny to others who may not get all the inside jokes. *makes the sign of the cross* lmao

_6-year-old Joan Ferguson was playing with a toy, and she thought of how she recently lost her mother. Her father had said that a bad man had killed her. She sniffled and got up and looked outside the window at the pear trees they had in their farm._

_She decided to go outside and walked along the path of the trees. She smiled at the beautiful green grass and leaves and the green pears. She held a basket and went through smaller trees that she could reach and put them into her basket._

_She wanted to be a pear farmer just like her father, and like his father before him, and his father before him..._

_Joan giggled as she skipped with the pears in her basket and thought of how she couldn't wait to eat them._ _As she was walking back home, she saw her father run up and he was packing their clothes into suitcases._

_“Papa, what's wrong?”_

_“We have to leave, Joan. We have to move... leave Russia.”_

_Joan started to cry. “Why? I don't want to leave.”_

_“We must, Joan! I've done something and the only way out is to leave. We'll go far away from here where we'll be safe. We'll go to a place that the pear czar can never suspect where we are.”_

_“The pear czar? What's that?” She asked._

_“I'll tell you when you're older, but he's a bad man and he wanted my pears. Only our family has the best pears in all of Russia and I made the wrong decision in getting involved with him. We must leave now and never come back!”_

_Joan started to cry as they packed what was left of their belongings and she took the few pears she had just picked. As they drove off, she turned back and stared longingly at the pears that she loved that were now catching fire in the field. Her father had set fire to the area so the pear czar would never be able to taste their pears again._

_She turned towards her father who looked worried and stressed and she took his hand and squeezed it._

_“Where are we going, Papa?”_

_“I don't know yet, Joan. I'll figure it out when we get out of here. Just enjoy the last pears you have and remember that you came from a long line of pear farmers, and no one will take away our love of pears or our pride. Do you understand me?”_

_Joan nodded. “I understand.”_

_“Promise me that you will forever keep the pears of our family in your heart. Your mother would have wanted you to remember how much we all loved pears. Keep them close to you and maybe one day we can enjoy pears again.”_

_Joan teared up as she looked down at the basket of pears in her lap and remembered her mother dancing and laughing with her as they ran around the pear trees._

_“I promise.”_

 

* * *

 

**46 years later...**

 

Governor Joan Ferguson walked through her prison and smiled softly at how everything was quiet. Everything was as it should be. She had recently embarked on a relationship with Vera Bennett. Her Deputy was someone who she could trust and after a couple months of after work debriefings and dinners together, they finally started dating.

As she drove home, she got into their bed that they now shared together. It was more efficient for them to move in together and while Vera had expressed concern that it was too soon, Joan had said that they would make it work.

“Ohhh Veraaaaaa,” she said as she took her in her arms.

“Joan... I'm trying to sleep.”

“Neither of us work tomorrow. I think we should do more than sleep,” Joan said and winked as she kissed her. They kissed passionately for a few minutes before Joan broke their kiss.

“Are you wearing pear chapstick?”

“No... I, um, found some pears that were in some boxes. You have so many Joan but why do you hide them?”

Joan sat up slowly. “You didn't get rid of them did you? WHERE ARE THE PEARS?!”

“Woah... calm down, Joan. I didn't do anything with them.”

Joan sighed and relaxed. “Thank you. Those pears are special to me. They are the last thing left that my father and I preserved and kept close to us. It reminded me of my family, and especially of my mother. I... I'm addicted to pears, Vera. I was even bullied for it as a child. 'There goes the pear girl,' they'd say. I love them so much. They're so good and crunchy and juicy. Different than apples, do you understand?”

Vera lifted her brow and didn't say anything for a few minutes. “Yes, they're good and I know they taste different than apples. You're addicted to them? What do you mean?”

“Vera... the only fruit I eat are pears. That's all I eat. You wouldn't know because they're a secret type of pear that only my family has kept. They're different than any other pears in this area. I have to keep them safe. You may eat them and I'm glad you like them, but we must never run out of them, Vera,” she said seriously.

“But Joan... why pears though? What if you get sick of pears? Don't you get sick of that being the only fruit you eat?”

“It's my favorite fruit, Vera! And if anyone gets sick of pears then I'd hate to think of what would happen if they dealt with a real problem such as Donald Trump becoming President of the United States. Now THAT is a problem,” Joan said and started laughing a little.

“Yes, that is a problem. Those poor people. And even Australia and the U.K. have to deal with horrible conservative Prime Ministers. What is the world coming to?”

“I don't know, Vera. All I know is that if we can't simply enjoy our pears among all the craziness in this world, then we are doomed. Doomed I tell you!”

“Calm down, Joan. It'll be okay. I mean, we still have the newest Star Wars movie coming out. _The Last Jedi_.”

“Oh, yes that's true. Did you know that some of the inmates call me Freak Vader? They're right to fear me... because the power of pears does make me powerful. It's like the Force.”

“I don't think that's possible, Joan.”

“I am one with the pear, the pear is with me,” Joan started muttering to herself.

“Oooookay.”

“Vera, if anything happens to me, will you take care of my pears?”

“Sure... Joan, sure. I will.”

“Thank you Vera!”

Joan kissed her and started sucking her neck and biting gently as she brought Vera's legs around her waist and started grinding against her.

“That was abrupt...” Vera moaned.

“People love smut, Vera... for fuck's sake.”

“Smut?”

“Do you not know what actually goes online these days? Do you know how many touch themselves to the fanfiction written about us by ao3 writers? Waterfalls, Vera. I'm just saying.”

“There is fanfiction written about us?”

“Yaaaasssss! Lots of it. FreakyTits has the most stories. Even more than Ballie,” Joan whispered.

“Ballie?”

“Shh... don't ask. FreakyTits is the only ship... maybe Fridget. But let's forget about Doyle and Westnull and focus on FreakyTits.”

“But why FreakyTits though?”

“VERA! The Freak + Vinegar Tits = FreakyTits. Keep up, Vera. For fuck's sake.”

“Why do you keep saying that?”

“Saying what?”

“'For fuck's sake.' When did you ever say that?”

“I don't normally, Vera but this is a fucking crack!fic so get over it. I swear to God, can you not?!”

“Can I not what?”

“Vera, are you being deliberately obtuse?”

“No... I just don't understand this.”

“Neither does the writer who is typing this out as I speak, but you know what? PEARS, Vera. PEARS. That is all that will make things right in the world. That and impeaching Trump.”

“Why do you care so much about Trump? You're Australian.”

“Well... he is affecting us all and the writer behind this is American so this is probably why.”

“The writer? What are you talking about?”

“Never mind, Vera. If you don't understand what's going on right now, you never will. Now, do you remember that I told you Shayne was interested in studying medical research?”

“Yes...”

“Vera, the reason why our pears are so important, is because they cure cancer. Do you understand me?! THEY FUCKING CURE CANCER! But no one knows this yet because it's still being tested. Think of this, Vera. My pears can save so many and if I grow more of them they could help save thousands. I must still keep some for myself of course.”

“Um, yes...”

“Don't look at me like that. You had to entice me with your pear flavored lips. And now you'll taste that way when I go down on you. On second thought, you should DEFINITELY eat more pears, Vera.”

“I can't believe you said that, Joan. Oh, my God!”

“Do you mean the Pear God, Vera? Because you know that will give me the extra power to fuck you all day and all night.”

“Oh, Jesus Christ.”

“No, only Bea thinks she's Jesus, Vera. Stop making jokes about that. Only I'm allowed to. Speaking of which... let's try out my famous Ryan Gosling 'Hey girl' pickup lines. Hey girl, you and I are the pearfect pear. Hey girl, if kisses were pears, I'd send you a fruit basket. Also... hey girl, it's not your booty it's your beauty, but your booty still fine as fuck, though.”

“Joan, why are you talking like this?”

“Because it's fun, Vera. Why not?”

Vera giggled. “I be knowing."

“We been knew. I'm glad you finally caught on. Vera, did you know that I stand with the pears?"

“Oh, my God, you're bringing up pears again!”

“VERA, DON'T BRING THE PEARS INTO THIS! I WILL ALWAYS LOVE PEARS! YOU NEED TO JUST ACCEPT IT! Now, turn around and let me slap that tight little ass.”

“But... your booty, I just really wanna touch it.”

“You will later but in private. There are some hoes that keep looking at it on the internet. But you have me all to yourself. Go ahead and squeeze it.”

“This is going nowhere, Joan, but you do have a pear booty, that's for sure.”

“It's going nowhere because the writer of this has lost her damn mind.”

“Oh, my damn. So, does my loyalty have to be with you and pears?”

“Yes, Vera... both. PEOPLE LOVE PEARS, VERA! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

"Yaaaasssss bish!"

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo... yeah, this was fun and I hope some people found that funny, or at least I hope my targeted audience for Joan and pears found it funny.


End file.
